Tears

I miss Lucy.

And with the stress of moving in, and understanding my schedule, and getting books, I didn't think about it much.

But now that everything is calmed down, I can't stop.
And I miss my puppy.

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

The longest day of my life!

AKA August 24, 2010.

This morning, I woke up and realized I had missed 2 phone calls from my mom, because I slept so hard I couldn't hear it vibrating.

Then once I got up, Bethany called me to see if I wanted to go to breakfast, which I did. The food was ok, but not iHop haha. Wait, is it IHOP? Have I digressed so hard into apple, anything starting with an i has to be lowercased then uppercased? Probably.

Well anyway, I got back to my room and changed clothes, cleaned some things, talked to some people. You know, the usual.

Then I decided to go to the Job Fair, all the way across campus. During the walk I was like 'this isn't so bad.'

and then it started POURING down rain. How sad right? Right.

Well I got soaked, but continued onto the Fair anyway. Of course the building was freezing, so being wet sucked. There were really no good jobs there at all, so the whole thing was a bust anyway.

I got back to my dorm finally, and when talking to Brison I discovered everything worked out, and he was coming down here!!

So what did I do? Did the only thing I could do.

Hopped a flight to Amarillo, then drove back to Denton for 6 hours.
But that's not the half of it.

The flight left at 320. I found out at 200 that I was going home. Dallas Love field is 40 minutes away. I jumped in my car and raced across the city, and of course there was traffic. So I get to the airport at like 305. I park and I walk all the way across the airport to get to the ticketing counter. Well I get my ticket and get in the HUGE line for security. Well I'm finally two people from the front and I hear "This is the final call for flight 1926 to Amarillo" and I'm like SHIT and I grab a bucket and cut the two people in front of me, throw my stuff in the bin and walk through the metal detector. Well it doesn't beep, but the guy makes a funny face, and I say "Am I good?" and he says "We'll see..." and makes me go off to the side! So I say "They just called the last call for my flight!" And he said "Mmhm. This'll take just a second." And some girl comes over, and swabs my hands with this weird swab thing, puts it in a machine and says I'm good and tells me I can go. So I run through security and through all the gates to get to mine, with security personnel calling my name so that the flight knows I'm coming because they were waiting on me! I finally get on the flight and get home, to the best weather I've felt since Friday. Being home was...weird. Very weird, and I feel better being back here. But that was the longest 6 hour drive of my life. But at least I had fun with Brison.

When we got to the room, Daphne has like 6 of her friends in here, watching Undercover Brother, so the heat was ridiculous, so Brison and I hung out with Madison and Brandon in the lobby and outside.

Thats basically it. And it's now 4:18 AM
So I think I'm gonna go to bed.

Tonight

I realized something very important tonight.

God may have the ONE planned for you.
But it is very possible, to be in love with more than one person at a time.

I said 5 hard goodbyes tonight.
2 hurt more than the others.

(over the past week, I've also learned, my nose burns right before I cry.)

Yesterday I said goodbye to Mr. Dunn.
Today, Mrs Fishburn.

Tonight, William, Kelcey, and Blaine.

Chris and Stickley.

I hated how I always seemed to switch in the blink of an eye with those two, until tonight I realized: I was never switching. Both were a constant. I've been in love with Chris since 8th grade, and Stickley since 9th.

I can see myself with either of them, for the rest of my life.
Stickley and I know more things about each other than most people do, and he's my best friend.
Chris is an incredible person, and wants all the same things in life I do. We have a ton of the same interests and stuff.

I have that in both of them. And what I don't have in one, its true in the other.

I won't see Chris until Christmas; Stickley, November.

In 4 months, am I going to remember Chris' laugh? And how it makes me smile stupidly?
Will I still be laugh at everything Stickley does? And still make him laugh?

Please

Please, don't let me dream tonight.

I don't want to dream. At all.

Love love love, I want your love.

“Hey baby,” I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Hey! I thought you were on call today?”

“I am, but we have a break for a few minutes. Chris had a wardrobe malfunction.”

“Too many sequins again?” I giggle.

“Yes, and Cory doesn’t understand the new dance routine, Lea doesn’t like some of the harmonies, and I’ve got a squeaky wheel.”

“Aw, just can’t catch a break, can you guys?”

“Something like that. You packed yet?”

“Mmhm. Just everyday things are left. I’m probably going to get Brison to help me carry stuff to the car, there seems to be more than when I left home.”

“That tends to happen. I get home after weeks of filming, and mysteriously have props hidden in my luggage...”

“Some new clothes and shoes maybe have suddenly appeared in my suitcase.”

He laughed. “So you’re going to need help carrying everything, huh?”

“Yea, just so there aren’t as many trips downstairs.” There was a knock at my door. “Hold on a second, someone’s at my--Kevin?!” He was standing there, a huge grin on his face, holding his phone to his ear.

“Hey sweetie.” 

“You’re supposed to be in LA! Not Dallas!” 

He smiled, reaching for a hug. I jumped into his arms, taking in his smell, that’d I’d missed for 4 months. He kissed the top of my head. “Yes well. I knew you would need help. And I wanted to see you.”

“I missed you, too”

Wheeeew

Today, Brison and I went to the office to work on Financial Aid with Mommy, but UNT is behind, and it didn't update =\

So then he and I went to AC and stood in line for 45 minutes, to get our transcripts, to realize I forgot my license, so I have to go back at some point. It was super hot in there and ridiculous. But it made me realize Brison really can make me laugh, more than most people because he and I understand each other and have the same sense of humor.

Then we ---

I just realized I don't care about this story. So I don't feel about sharing.

I got to see Chris today.

10 Reasons I hate William being in California

10. I'm not in California

9. He's never online anymore

8. He's always in the Lounge

7. I don't have anyone to talk to most days

6. He's making a bunch of friends

5. He doesn't agree with me on certain things that he usually would have

4. He hasn't watched Criminal Minds 

3. I can't talk to him about Criminal Minds

2. I don't feel close to him anymore

1. There's a new girl. And I don't know her.

=\

Another Lame Day in Amarillo Gay

I really just wanted to make that rhyme. =]

So today, I slept till 1. I really hate sleeping late, but I haven't been able to get up early since I got back from Oklahoma City with Kelcey and them.

My mom made me come work at the office, and I really didnt do much. Instead she had me go to Office Depot and buy a million things. And Chris wasn't working. *sigh*

But looking through office depot, I saw a bunch of "Dorm room" classified stuff and it got me actually really excited for college. I really want to unpack my stuff into my dorm, and decorate it and make it me, ya know?

I'm excited to meet new people, and make new friends.
And I can't express how happy I am that Brison will be with me. That makes me happier than anything beyond words.

But I'm still not ready to leave. You'll be in Austin. Stickley will be in Sherman. Brian, luckily will be in Dallas. Chris and Kelcey will still be here. Emily will be here. And Camron. God, Camron. What am I going to do without him?

You're not going to believe me, but I'm sitting here crying while I'm writing about Camron right now.

I don't think I'm happier, or in a better mood, than when I'm with him. And I'm so freaking jealous that you get him again in 2 years. He's playing Tenors this year, did you know that?

I don't get to see that, or be a part of it. And that kills me. I don't have bus rides with him, I don't have early morning "race you to the fields" with him. I don't have "do you think we can get Mr. Dunn to let us not march?" I don't. Have. Him. And i hate it.

And I know you do too, and I know you're probably crying by this point too...I just can't handle it.
I'm ready for new things...but I'm not ready to let go of the past.

In five years, and I'm going to remember that "In any given hour, there are 61,000 airborne over the United States." 
And even if I do, will I remember Camron told it to me?


I really didn't mean to turn this into a suck fest of missing Camron, but...it's on my mind right now.


Was Kevin Mchale on my Future Husband list? If not he should be.

Nine?

I don't know what made me want to write this. The same thing that always makes me want to write? Haha.

Um, the movie is Nine, fyi. I know you haven't seen it. But it explains enough in the writing.

The couch is itchy.

My fingers fit perfectly between his.

It’s so hot, I’m sweating, and the air conditioner is broken. The fan is on, but it’s just blowing around more hot air. 

He rubs his thumb in a circular motion on my wrist, giving me goosebumps.

The dogs across the alley are barking incessantly, making it hard to hear the awful movie. 

Every once in a while, I can hear his quiet breath, as he places a tender kiss, just behind my ear.

He throws his head back and laughs, closing his eyes, “This movie is ridiculous.” 

He stands up, takes my hand, and in a higher pitched voice says, with a latino accent, “I’ll be waiting for you, with my legs open.” And winks. Giggling I say “Mmhm, and you’ll be waiting for a while.”

He smiles. He sits back down, kissing me lovingly, and holding me again. When the movie ends, he disgustedly says “They make you want to feel bad for Guido, when he’s just a jerk. You know I wouldn’t do that to you, right? Ever? I love you.”

I kiss him.

“I know. I love you, too.”

You can make this between any two people you want obviously, but mine well...its about a certain von-trapp esque looking boy that we both know.

William

I'm really doing this for you.

I think this may be my new way of showing you my writings, instead of attempting 15 times to send them on AIM. I'll let you in on a secret; you know Brian's think book? How he takes it everywhere with him, because he constantly has movie ideas? I constantly have story ideas. But I never have the patience, and self-discipline to sit down and write them. Cause I hate my writing. But because you always love everything I've showed you, and encourage me, I write things. Just for you. And besides, I think once school starts, sadly, we won't find too much time to talk on AIM as much, so I need somewhere to tell you things when you can check it.

I want you to know, that for the past week and a half that you've been gone, I've stayed up till 3 or 4, gone to bed, gotten up at 1230ish, then sat on my ass, on the computer, looking at Matthew Gubler stuff, trying to make my life interesting, instead of wishing I was in California with you.

I really don't have much to say tonight, since I'm actually talking to you right now, but maybe, eventually I'll have more to say.

But, just for you again, cause I know you forgot:

Chelsea's List of Future Husbands, That She'll Love and Cherish Forever

*And they'll just have to get used to each other*

1. Matthew Gray Gubler

2. Leonardo DiCaprio

3. Dalton Brooks

4. David Henrie

5. Joe Walker

6. Bradley James

7. Colin Morgan

8. Joey Richter

9. Darren Criss

10. Nick Jonas

11. Joe Jonas

12. AJ Mclean

13. Shemar Moore

14. Tom Felton

15. Mark Salling

16. Kevin Mchale

17. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

18. Christopher Ratliff

19. Santiago Cabrerra 

20. Mitchell Musso

And that's all I can think of for now. But you know I'll add more when I remember!

Love you.